Bolhuis in the kakhuis

So there is this private investigator in Pretoria called Mike Bolhuis - honest to goodness, his real name! He is a larger-than-life character - wears dark suits, carries a big gun, quotes the Bible and looks like Johnny Bravo. I swear! I have known him for years and the trademark hairstyle remains unchanged. He is something of a vigilante-type character and smacks baddies around.
He recently made it back into the news when he was appointed by one Joost van der Westhuizen to investigate the porno tape scandal. Our rugby hero was apparently filmed snorting "white powder" and cavorting with a lady of the night (although my colleague who watched the entire illicit tape reckons it was all talk and not much ... erm ...action). Joost says there is no ways that he would betray sweet Amor or his Christian faith for a roll in the hay. He cited the porn star's Polo socks, holy underpants and rather large dong as evidence that the male lead was not him as he wears other brands of socks, underpants without holes and, ahem, his family jewels are not quite as impressive.
And then he hired Bolhuis to prove that the guy on the tape is just another dude who - like the several that are out there - happens to look exactly like him.
Anyway - my colleague Brat, who is in Cape Town at the moment, called me up to get some comment from the Bolhuis character for a story she is working on. She unearthed some court records that reveal a bit of a dodge history. She was reluctant to call him, so asked me to get his response.
Q: Apparently you have a conviction for insurance fraud. What do you have to say about that?
A: There's a story to it. I suspected one of the guys working for me, and started to investigate him and found out that he hula-hooped a deal. I confronted him and he confessed, but I was already in trouble cos I never reported it immediately. The was no financial benefit to nobody.
Q: So there have been 65 assault cases against you, but they have all been withdrawn. What's the deal?
A: Actually there were more than 300 cases against me, but they only concentrated on the 65. It was the baddies all accusing me of beating them up. But then they couldn't explain in court why they were where they were, and a case is only as strong as its witnesses so they all fell apart.
So now he is back in court on charges of lending his gun to security guys who work with him.
His side: I did nothing wrong, the okes are just going after me now because I am famous and stuff. The case is going to be thrown out and the government is going to have to pay me 40 grand back for my gun
As they say: jawellnofine.