Frogs, haemorrhoid cream and a liquidiser

I have been feeling a tad unsettled in my life of late and, although not generally one for spontaneous actions, when this feeling coincided with a sudden 2-for-the-price-of-one special Qantas put out (*terms and conditions apply, OBVIOUSLY), I jumped through all the hoops and successfully booked two return tickets to Sydney. So next Wednesday Little One and I will be heading Down Under for a spectacularly divine holiday of note.
This sudden turn of events has me feeling quite perky and anxious to share the joy. However, those around me who have run out of leave or money seem reluctant to share the feeling - so I am trying to be sensitive and therefore subtle in my expressions of glee.
So today when a friend of mine mailed me the details of an interesting networking breakfast with a talk entitled "Journalism: A Profession Under Siege", I noted that this event will take place while I am away and thoughtfully passed it on to news editors C-For-Serious and her sidekick EvilIncarnate. I have to admit I was unable to restrain myself from adding the tactful note: "I am unable to go to this because … wooo hooooooo…… I won't be here as, um, now I remember, I am going to be on leave and in Australia!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So EvilIncarnate - who once upon a time was a reporter in the newsroom alongside me and a good person who kept her dark side hidden - mailed me back with a warning that my leave was not yet approved. Apparently a decision still could be taken to keep me here in order to attend the blinking breakfast story!
So, not one to be easily intimidated, I bravely responded: "Too late".
EvilIncarnate: "Hmm, I could just have a word or two with my colleagues in HR and then we will see who laughs last – Mwah ha ha ha."
JoziJourno: "I already spoke to HR, my china! They have set me up with international medical aid cover, an interest free loan to buy a smart kompewter while I am there and so they will know that you are just being mean if you keep me back to cover a horrible breakfast! MWA HA HA HA! Hear my raucous laughter at the airport……"
EvilIncarnate: "I hope when you there one of their plague toads jumps on your foot!"
JoziJourno: "Erm ... so do you know about my weird frog phobia? Or was that a lucky shot?"
EvilIncarnate: "I don't know about your frog issues, but I watched a National Georgraphic documentary on Sunday about how the entire continent of Australia is completely infested with cane toads."
JoziJourno: "No way, you are talking crap. That is not happening in the urban areas where I am going."
EvilIncarnate: "They are totally everywhere! You will actually be really lucky not to see one."
JoziJourno: "I simply don't believe it."
So, true to her name, she proceeds to e-mail a whole bunch of research showing that Australia does indeed have a cane toad problem - so bad that it is regarded as an ecological disaster in progress and they even have an entire organisation to deal with it called FrogWatch. Sheesh! And, as if that wasn't bad enough, she sends me FrogWatch recommendation that the most humane way of dealing with these creatures is to smother them with haemorrhoid cream (to anaethetise them) and then pop them in the freezer!!!!!!!! The second method - simpler and less labour intensive - is to hit them with a cricket bat. Dear lord above, this is not a lie or an urban legend.
And then it gets worse. Apparently the dead frogs should be liquidised, and the resulting toad juice, FrogWatch claims, is a fabulous liquid fertiliser.
So, after freaking me out completely, EvilIncarnate proceeds to send me ANOTHER e-mail in which she suggests I get one of these frogs as a pet for my Little One, and attaches this picture:




She is cruel indeed!